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On May 10th I will be celebrating another year of life: D

And in lieu of gifts, I want nothing but peace of mind, and given that it’s Mental Health Awareness Month I felt it was appropriate to dedicate this blog post to all those beautiful  souls whom we have lost along the way.

Alright. so let’s start with the term “Mental Health” …Mental Health is such a broad term, I’ve always felt apathetic people associate it with being unstable, untrustworthy, and unreliable or  simply “crazy”

Just like countless others, I’ve gone through my share of hardships and traumas and at 17 I was ready to end it all, I hid it very well with my huge smile always on display but I was completely empty and broken inside. My depression growing up stemmed from suffering through things I had no control over. In school I was an honor student, well known and had boyfriends but I had low self-esteem and suffer from ADHD, so I had this constant fear of not being “enough” , not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and constantly having to live in other people’s houses because of my households economic status didn’t help.

As I got older failure in my relationships, career plans and setbacks started taking a toll on my mental health.

Once again I felt the anxieties of my low self-esteem, feeling that if maybe I was prettier, the man that I gave my all to wouldn’t have destroyed me or if I had picked an easier career path I wouldn’t have to work so hard to prove to myself that I had the mental capacity to have success in such a complex field, or if I wouldn’t have been so giving, people wouldn’t have used me for personal gain. I was at wits end, I sought more than words of consolation, I sought rest. I tried everything from working out to boost my mood, buying all kinds of self-help books, spoke to counselors, therapist, “friends” but nothing helped, till one day I decided to try out spirituality. Mind you I was never spiritual, had never read a bible but I had hit rock bottom and  nothing else worked. I was emotionally drained, I needed God to kill me in order to finally have that rest or eventually I was going to have to build up the courage to do it myself.  But despite walking into an unknown world, I had found the help I needed for so long.  Everyone’s case is different, my rest came not from committing suicide but in my newfound faith in God, in my spiritual path. It has been my saving grace, not only has my spirituality helped me overcome my inner demons but it has made me a happier and overall better person and incidentally has given me purpose, a purpose to help anyone in need, because I know how it feels  to be hopeless.

I have met many incredible people who have gone through the same battles, even have sought cutting or doing hard drugs life heroin to find peace but have thankfully found their solution and are currently enjoying life, happy and healthy. There is a way out, but burning out isn’t one of them.

And lastly, to those who might suspect someone is in need of assistance, I can’t stress enough in having COMPASSION, please instead of judging or humiliating others, be compassionate with one another, care for the wellbeing of your loved ones, be a helping hand to your neighbor, consider that life is BS, but if we all helped someone, we can make each other’s life just a little bit easier.

This is the first time I have publicly admitted it because of fear, fear that I will be judged (again) by people who clearly have it all figured out, but the reason I decided to do it now, is because I know how crucial it is to discuss the importance of raising awareness on mental health and know you know too.

Thank you all.



Image souce HSE International, 2016


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